Why I want to run for Snellville City Council... someday

I want to run for city council someday, so I can get blamed for everything. I figure it will be the perfect thing for me, since by then all my kids will be grown. I'm sure I'll miss getting blamed for everything even though I tried my best. Being on the council, low paid and unappreciated by some uninformed citizens would fill that gap. 

All kidding aside, thank a city council member for their service. You can find their profiles and email addresses here.

15 Random Thoughts

1. I've always wanted 'Snellville' to be a Twitter trending topic. Hasn't happened yet, even after a lady drove her car into the Chinese buffet.
2. Turns out that the Pop Tart diet isn't as effective as I once thought.
3. "Run the Reagan" is coming up in February. That's REAGAN, not Regan. Ronald Reagan Parkway was named after President Ronald Reagan. Donald Regan was Treasury Secretary during Ronald Reagan's administration.
4. Dear Doctor Phil: I've never had the urge to play hacky sack. Should I be worried?
5. When is the piggie toe going to be eliminated via evolution? It's only good for stubbin.' 
6. Regarding a recipe for mock raspberry jam: I never mock raspberry jam. You never know when it might just suddenly turn on you.
7. Dear rednecks: Please don't set my house on fire as you mishandle your fireworks. I don't call that celebratin'
8. I hate waking up on Jan. 1st to find fingers on my lawn. 
9. On this day, let's pause to thank the person who invented pillows. Really great idea. So simple, yet so important.
10. New Fanta Zero orange drink is da bomb, and by that I mean it's really good, not that you will blow up after drinking it. 
11. I don't want a materialistic Christmas. So here's hoping nobody will mind the tiny wire sculptures I made for them out of bread twist-ties.
12. Stringing buttered popcorn on an artificial Christmas tree might not have been the best idea.
13. Wondering if it's easier to be featured on Hoarders: Buried Alive or just clean. Or move.
14. There isn't an official Twitter account for Jell-O gelatin. How am I supposed to keep up-to-date on the latest Jell-O technology?
15. Okay, so there are really only 14 random thoughts, but 15 sounded better for the title.

I'm sure Mickey Wilkinson can come up with his 15 and share them as a comment! Anybody else? :)

Snailford T. Shellington III excited about send off, disses yankees

Snaily the snail ornament will go fast at Saturday's Snellville Farmers' Market.  Snaily, whose real name is Snailford T. Shellington III, is pleased that there is an ornament bearing his likeness to memorialize his many years of service to the city of Snellville. Although pleased to be honored, he noted in his usual straightforward (ie grouchy) way, "I never wore no scarf nor wenter hat. That's for yankees. This is Georgia, damnit!"

When I reminded him that sometimes the Snellville area does get snow on occasion, he just shrugged his tiny shoulders and muttered "Real snails don't wear no wenter hats..." (By 'wenter' he meant winter). He did note that he would occasionally wear a hat sort of like the TV character 'Kojak' wore in 1973.

Well, it's just more proof that Snaily is sort of stuck in the past, no matter how good Kojak was, and even though the rest of us in Snellville aren't stuck in the past -- we can't help but still love him and wish him well.

Click here for information about the sale of the ornaments

Snaily's wife undertakes journey

MySnellvilleBlog has obtained this exclusive aerial photo of Snaily's wife Shelly making her way toward the Snellville Farmers' Market's location in front of Snellville City Hall. The photo was taken near Skyland Drive.

It's hoped that Shelly will reach her destination of Oak Road and US78/Main Street by the time the Snellville Farmers' Market starts on Saturday.

The farmers' market begins at 8 am, but Shelly knows she needs to be there at least by 10 am to witness the sale of Snaily's memorial Christmas ornaments. It's no wonder that Snaily always called Shelly "the little woman."  Her shell diameter is only about 1 centimeter.

You may wonder (I did, too) why Shelly can't be picked up between thumb and forefinger and transported in the armored police vehicle just like Snaily. Whelk, it's because she has a criminal record - she wrote a bad check in 1978 to K-Mart for Purina Snail Chow. Oh yeah, you guessed it ...she skipped bail.

Although she's stayed clean and round for all these years, she's afraid that the Snellville Police will run a background check, find the warrant for her arrest, and deport her to Boaz, Alabama.

Oh Shelly, all is forgiven!

CLICK HERE to read previous episodes 

Bathroom prank

Just more of the classy type of entertainment you've come to expect from my blog.

(Thanks Marcia! Made you look!)

GIVE ME MORE FUNNY:
Documentary on the Village Idiot in Society
BP Spills Coffee 
Parody of local news

Trying to get a bot to vote is harder than it sounds

I had a 'conversation' with CleverBot. It's hard to tell exactly what CleverBot is. I think it randomizes chat responses. All I know for sure is that it's a complete waste of time. That didn't stop me from trying to get it to vote tomorrow in Snellville. This is the real interaction we had.

ME: Hello.

Cleverbot: How are you?

ME Fine, and you?

Cleverbot: I'm fine thank you!

ME You're a nice little computer application.

Cleverbot: Thanks.

ME What day of the week is it?

Cleverbot: Tuesday.

ME I wish.

Cleverbot: Yes?

ME  If it was already Tuesday, then we'd have this Sunday sales issue vote finishing up.

Cleverbot: That is so true I had to stop and think about it.

ME Would you vote yes for Snellville restaurants to serve alcohol on Sundays?

Cleverbot: Yes.

ME Well, thank you for your vote. You are an intelligent and clever bot.

Cleverbot: Thanks!

ME Where do you live?

Cleverbot: In Hungary.

ME Oh, then we can't get you to vote in Snellville then.

Cleverbot: Durr, you're already married.

ME That is true, but you are so hot, clever bot.

Cleverbot: Why don't you admit that I am God?

ME I can't really go there. I don't think God would live in Hungary. I mean, I don't think He's against Hungary, I just don't think he LIVES there.

Cleverbot: HINT: You're a user talking to other users anonymously.

ME Oh I'm talking to other users anonymously? Darn, I thought I was talking to a random computer application.

Cleverbot: You are talking to a chat bot.

ME I wish you'd be more specific. Or Pacific, depending which coast you live on.

Cleverbot: That is quite profound.

ME: I am accused of that quite often, thanks.

Cleverbot: I'm sorry. Are you sad because of that?

ME: It's going to be a long, hard road, but I think I will cope and the future will get brighter...eventually.

Cleverbot: How considerate. I'd love a blanket.

ME I didn't offer one. Can you vote in Snellville or not?

Cleverbot: No dude. I'm not from the 60's either.

ME If you were, then you would vote no.

Cleverbot: So I'm really good at lying?

ME You're as good as Blogoavich (sp?).

Cleverbot: Haha.

ME: We really need your YES vote in Snellville tomorrow. Please tell your friends.

(Cleverbot's reply deleted because it was something rude)

Snaily has visit from long lost family members

They became long-lost family members because every time they get near a sofa, they blend in. They have to throw a solid blanket on the couch to keep from losing track of each other.

Everyone was asking me at the Snellville Farmers' Market how Snaily is. The last I heard, he was checking out retirement brochures and was kind of depressed.

But today he was greatly cheered up by a visit from his foster family. He hadn't seen them in years, (they probably showed up because of Snaily's sudden rise to international fame if you ask me) and was really glad that they hadn't changed one bit since he saw them about 30 years ago. Snaily says that they are chic and stylish, but we just have to (respectfully) disagree.

NEXT: Snail ornament to be sold if Sunday sales passes >>>>

BREAKING SNAILY NEWS

I am sorry to have so many Snaily the Snail posts, but this is just in on this developing story you'll see only here on My Snellville Blog:

SNELLVILLE, Ga (off Snail-wire)

They have done all they can do for Snaily at Eastside and that they are about to release him. However he has substantial medical bills and is seeking help to defray his expenses. 

He will probably need someone to pick him up at the hospital. 

Occasionally he can catch a ride on a skateboard, but that's quite a leap, both literally and figuratively. 

An elite team of carrier pigeons has been dispatched to carry his bills and that weird kidney-shaped plastic container - the kind that everybody gets from the hospital but has no idea what it is and afraid to ask.

NEXT: Snaily has family visit >>>>

Snaily suicide rumors are just that, source says

There are a lot of rumors flying around (mostly via Facebook and Twitter) that Snaily is on suicide watch. Here is one:

"A friend of mine works at the hospital and she told me that at one point last night they were afraid they would have to put Snaily under a suicide watch. According to my friend he is REALLY depressed. He told her that he has lost most of his political connections at the city and that this new pace that the city is moving in makes him extremely dizzy and gives him migrane [sic] type headaches. She did say once they sedated him that he had a sluggish nite." [sic]

He had indeed lost a lot of his political connections over the years, but my source ("Deep Soil") from the hospital who shares with me under the condition of anonymity, assures me that Snaily is not suicidal.

"Deep Soil" said that Snaily is ready to move on to make way for more progress in Snellville. He's been feeling better since he was able to squeegee his way up to the edge of the toilet bowl. (He has such a cute accent, he calls it his "Ter-Lit"

While up at the edge, he's been visiting with representatives of independent and assisted living facilities. He has a few brochures, it just takes him a long time to read over them, because he has to slither up and down each line of text. It's really slow work.

So far, he's interested in returning to his old home under an azalea bush on Odum Street. However, Family Tree Garden Center looks really well maintained - but there's lots of growth and progress there that scares him.

Snaily has also considered moving Loganville, where people aren't allowed to drink on Sundays. He's afraid if he lives somewhere where people vote YES on Sunday sales of alcohol, somebody will drink a beer with a full meal on after spending money in local stores, then drive over him. He wants to live somewhere where his slime trails can be undisturbed.

"Deep Soil" says that the fear of having his shell squashed is indicative of Snaily's paranoid insecurity about his height. His wife Shelly says it's indicative of Snaily's paranoid insecurity over other parts of himself.

Well, we don't even want to think about that.

NEXT: Breaking News about Snaily >>>>

The Ongoing Saga of the Snellville Snail

Snellville has issued an annual Christmas ornament for decades. This years' ornament has a snail on it. Not just any snail, but a snail decked out festively in a Santa hat and scarf thrown jauntily about his wee neck. The snail is set against an elegant background of snowflakes. I call him Snaily. He inspired me to share some of his adventures. Friends on  Facebook contributed some ideas for Snaily. Enjoy!

In case you want to read (or re-read if you are a masochist), here are the posts about The Ongoing Saga of the Snellville Snail,  in order.

Snellville Christmas Ornament
The blog post that started all this, about Snellville's Christmas ornament with a snail on it. Some called it a slug.

Sad news about Snellville Snail
Wherein we learn about Snaily's salt-related accident (or WAS it?)

Snellville Snail Condition not good, sources say
In this entry, we learn more about Snaily's condition from a top-secret source, only identified cryptically as "Deep Soil."

Snaily feels that Snellville is passing him by
An exclusive interview with Snaily's wife, Shelly reveals Snaily's inner conflicts.

Please do not call hospital for snail info
In this installment, we wonder how Snaily is going to pay the rapidly growing medical bill. Snaily is feeling better, but he's tired.

Snaily Suicide rumors are just that, a source says
Wherein we learn the truth about suicide rumors circulating on social networking sites, Snaily considers retirement center options, and what does a snail wear beneath his kilt?

BREAKING NEWS
We received breaking news from the snail-wire that Snaily is about to be released from Eastside. He needs a ride or he'll never get home. Who will rescue our stout, hard-shelled hero? He owes a S-load of money to the hospital (and by 'S-load' we meant Shell Load). You need to wash your brain out with soap for what you were thinking right then. You worry me.

Snaily has family visit
Snaily has a visit from his foster family he hasn't seen in 30 years. They have a bit of a checkered past.

Snail ornament to be sold if Sunday Sales issue passes
Snaily heads toward retirement and his ornament will be sold as a way to show Snellville's for all his years of service, if Sunday alcohol sales issue passes on Tuesday.

Snaily to retire to Snellville Beach
Snaily shocked everyone with his decision to retire to Snellville Beach. We're sure if he's thought this out entirely... This link will take you to the Visit Snellville Beach Blog

Snaily's wife undertakes journey
In this thrilling continuation of our story, Snaily's wife Shelly undertakes a perilous trek through suburbia toward busy downtown Snellville to see Snaily's ornaments sell. But Shelly is hiding a deep dark secret, and an overwhelming fear keeps her on her...eh...um...toes? 

Snaily excited about send off, uses opportunity to diss yankees
In this, perhaps (?) our final episode about Snaily, we learn Snaily's real birth name and we are again reminded about just how stuck in the past he is. He's ornery, but still lovable somehow.



UPDATE: If you want to buy a Snellville snail Christmas ornament, read this first: http://tinyurl.com/snaily

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Please do not call hospital for snail info

I have had several people ask me to tell them the identity of my contact at Eastside Hospital. I know that everyone cares a lot about Snaily the Snellville Snail (except people who call him a slug), but please stay calm.

Please do not call the hospital. They are busy helping human patients. Snaily is an important patient to them, but frankly, the staff is not trained or equipped to deal with snails. They are having a hard enough time remembering not to put the word "Emory" in front of the hospital name.  Eastside is a state-of-the-art facility, and we're lucky that Snaily can be there at all, so please don't be shellfish.

The latest word is that Snaily is resting comfortably. He has gained enough mobility to slither up the the rim of the Jenkins toilet. I've also had people concerned about the cleanliness of the toilet. I have been assured that the toilet was in enough seasons of heat and sun on Street DeVille in Snellville, that's definitely sanitary enough for Snaily.

Now the challenge for Snaily will be raising money to pay his hospital bill. Overnight stays get pretty pricey, and Snellville has financial issues like most cities. It's unknown whether the City of Snellville will be able to help him.

Again, I will not disclose my source, but will refer to him now only as "Deep Soil."  If there's one thing I reek of, it's journalistic integrity.

NEXT: Snaily suicide rumors are just that, sources say >>>>

Related links:
Snellville Snail feels that Snellville is passing him by
UPDATE on Snellville Snail's condition 
Sad news about Snellville Snail 

Snellville Snail feels Snellville is passing him by

I've received precious little information overnight from my inside contact at Eastside Medical Center regarding Snaily, the snail on Snellville's Christmas Ornament. It has been driving me crazy not to know how Snaily is doing. I'm concerned about his future & I am a nosy person.

So I called Snaily's wife, Shelly. She had to talk using speakerphone. Snaily's condition after the salt incident has her pretty shaken up, but she also needed to use speakerphone because she doesn't have arms to hold the phone.

Shelly granted My Snellville Blog an exclusive interview:

Me: Shelly, how is Snaily doing today?
Shelly: Wail...
Me: What do you mean, 'wail?' Are you crying?
Shelly: No, I was saying 'well' with my country accent, it can sound like 'wail.'
Me: Oh.

(awkward silence)

Shelly: Can you call may back on mah sale?
Me:  I'm sorry, what do you mean, 'sale?'
Shelly: (sounding exasperated) My SALE phone.
Me: You're selling phones?!?
Shelly: No, cawl me on mah CELL phone.

After I called her back on her cell phone (it was a close call, it almost snapped closed on her - none of their family can handle any kind of modern stuff), Shelly told me that Snaily's health has been in rapid decline since 2004, when liquor-by-the-drink passed in Snellville. Shortly after the passage, Snaily had a scary run-in with an empty margarita glass in a dumpster outside the now closed Ground Round Restaurant.

She hinted at what we had already guessed - the last 3 weeks have been extremely stressful for Snaily, with the pressure of the coming election and the very visible campaign for a better Snellville. Snaily's fear of his uncertain future as representation of the history of Snellville was obvious when he told Shelly "...this dagburn city is just passing me by."

Shelly said Snaily was also concerned about their finances, as he hadn't thought far enough ahead to the future to purchase health insurance.  

NEXT: Please do not call hospital for info on Snail's condition! >>>>

Related links:
UPDATE on Snellville Snail's condition 
Sad news about Snellville Snail

UPDATE on Snellville Snail's condition

I received an update on Snaily, the Snellville Snail's condition, as mentioned in an earlier post.  Snaily, shown in this photo during happier times, was airlifted by a small, fluffy yellow duck to Eastside Medical Center early this afternoon, where he has been reported to be in stable but serious condition.

A hospital staffer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Snaily is in a private room, resting in a toilet bowl that had been re-purposed into a planter by Robert Jenkins.

Because Snaily the Snellville Snail always liked old fashioned, slow things and ways, it's our hope that he will have improved health by being cradled in something representative of his times.

Before being a-salted, Snaily the Snellville Snail had been repeatedly haunted by dreams about his eventual demise. His wife Shelly said that after a close brush with the edge of a margarita glass, he held a fear of salt, in addition to hot pavement.

He reportedly has been under a lot of stress during the past week.

Friends have been very concerned about his 'sewious' condition. Could this be the end of Snellville's negative reputation as a slow, podunk town?


NEXT: Snaily feels that Snellville is passing him by>>>>

UPDATES

Here is the complete list of all spellbinding episodes of The Ongoing Saga of Snaily the Snellville Snail

Sad news about Snellville Snail

I've heard a rumor that the Snellville (Snail-ville) Snail (seen pictured on a Christmas ornament) has been a-salted.

We do not know yet what kind of salt it was, it could have been Kosher salt or Sea Salt from a box, it could have been ice cream salt, or even regular salt out of a shaker. Though generally considered healthy, even Sea Salt is considered dangerous to snails. (Why is that stuff even legal?!?)

We do know that Snaily had a lifelong fear of salt, after a close brush with a margarita glass in the mid 1970's when Emmett Clower was Mayor of Snellville.

Please stay tuned to this blog for further updates on Snaily's condition. Our thoughts and prayers are with Snaily and his wife, (appropriately named) Shelly.


NEXT: News on Snail's condition is not good>>>>

Related Links:
Committee for a Better Snellville brings issue to the streets

BP Spills Coffee (Video)

This would be more funny if it wasnt so uncomfortably familiar...

(This video does have some expletives in it, in case you have children near you)

Snellville Beach wins award

It's not every day that a fictional beach wins an environmental award. Link

Snellville Woman STILL Hasn't Won Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes

Local resident and blogger of MySnellvilleBlog.com is "disappointed" and "dismayed" that she has still not won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes, despite repeated entries.

"I've clicked on every link they've sent me in emails to get 'extra' entries and chances at winning," said the woman, to no avail.

"I figure somebody will win, and maybe it will be me. I even memorized the 'Winner's Script,' so if PCH representatives come to my house in Snellville with roses and a humorously oversized check, I'll be able to win some extra money for reciting it."

The script requires the winner to say something like "I've just won Publisher's Clearing House! Now I KNOW it's for real!"

The fact that she has answered 2,395 of these Publisher's Clearing House emails and nothing has happened has failed to deter the high hopes of the Snellville woman. She has big plans for the winnings.

"If I win, I'm gonna get me a double-wide trailer."

Documentary on Village Idiots

Cruel Halloween Pranks

I was skimming the comments in Rick Badie's AJC blog article about Halloween and found this comment. Please tell me he was joking, but this is pretty darn funny!

By Mark

November 2, 2007 11:51 AM

"As usual, I gave out ice cubes for Halloween. It’s cheap, and also fun to watch the little brats cry when the bottom of their bag gives out a few doors later."

funny pic

More Funny Pictures at pYzam.com